Instead of Doing For, Do With
It goes without saying, this has been a year like no other. As we head towards what will definitely be a unique holiday season, it seems clear we will need to shift expectations on our old traditions. There is no better time than now to reflect on ways to stay positive, hopeful, and ideally be more inclusive!
In our home, we continue to be so grateful just to be together. Even though there are times we need our space, our meals together are one of those things that keep us grounded. As we looked at how we adjusted our lives since March, taking on small challenges actually made a difference. Growing up in an Italian household, Mark recalled stories from his childhood of how his Nonna baked all of their bread during the Great Depression. So Mark took on the challenge of learning how to bake bread. He found it not only soothing, but also brought him a sense of accomplishment. Each loaf became a celebration of sorts–of traditions from the past shared with our boys in the present. We harvested tomatoes from our own garden and now have jarred sauce for many months. It is incredibly satisfying to eat food that you have grown in your own garden. Delicious, too!
So what does that mean for our loved ones, for our sons and daughters who live with their own challenges but are also ready to take a larger role in helping around the house, and would benefit from a sense of accomplishment?
Our mission from the start has been to change perceptions of those living with autism from living with a disability to seeing their immense capabilities. As I have said before, we need to trust in them, in their voices and choices, and their capabilities and passions, in the same way they have trusted and relied on us. It is on us to provide them opportunities, to encourage the entire family to actively engage in household tasks. Let us help them change their perceptions about their own capabilities. Allow them the chance to build their self-confidence and find meaning in doing so. As parents, creating new traditions, setting new norms, finding little things we can teach and then hand off, invites everyone to engage, to feel they are part of something important, that what they do makes a difference, matters, and creates that sense of accomplishment.
Though it often feels easier “just to get it done”, involving our unique loved ones in small things can make a big difference. Laundry is one example. I heard one parent tell me, “It’s too complicated, I don’t want the clothes to get ruined”. But what about sorting? What about simply carrying the baskets down? Or folding, adding the detergent, turning the machine on, delivering the clean clothes? How about matching all of the socks? There are many small tasks involved in the process and any little task that can be practiced and handed off takes a little off of your plate AND provides a whole lot of purpose.
What about setting the table? Clearing the table? Loading the dishwasher? Unloading the dishwasher? Putting the leftovers away? Getting the baking supplies out? Picking out recipes? Helping with grocery shopping, even if it is on line? Watering the plants? This list goes on and on.
I often find myself just “doing the work” instead of sharing the load. And yet I know that each person in my home is incredibly capable and wants to help out. Our family started a new tradition-about the time the smell of freshly baked bread was noticed in the house–that if you make the dinner, you really shouldn’t be the one to have to clean it up. How delightful it has been to be able to relax after dinner instead of feeling overwhelmed. Of course, paying attention and noting how wonderful it is to have such incredible help goes a long way. Gratitude is welcomed by all.
I just read a lovely article about a family whose 10 year-old son has autism and significant learning disabilities yet he helps with the laundry, loads the dishwasher, and vacuums the house everyday. Why? Because they learned early on that he liked turning things on and off. Yes, they had to break things down into smaller steps. But as he mastered each step they kept building onto that routine. Now, he is proud to be the helper who is in charge of vacuuming the house. It may have taken a little longer to get there, but now he feels a sense of purpose and pride in his work and the whole house benefits!
One of our own IOB students who, in his early twenties, just prepared his own omelette for the first time ever. It took some practice, and the pride on his face was inspirational. Imagine now having the confidence to make a delicious “pizza” omelette instead of a pop tart, not to mention the nutritional value! His perception of what he is capable of changed immensely. He can now do for himself what was done for him for many years. This young adult's achievements perfectly summarize our mission–he now thinks differently about his engagement in daily living skills and has a vision of what independence could look like for him!
And honestly, we all need those moments. We need to feel that we are doing something that makes a difference–something that helps others, that helps our families, and our loved ones. This winter will be unlike any other so why not start some new traditions? Share the load. Instead of doing for, do with. It might take a little longer, but know that in doing so you are empowering your loved ones to do for themselves. You are changing your perception–as well as theirs–on what is possible.
